Discussions over Dice
by ShadowRose-SCW
Summary: In which Near takes a break, visits Wammy's House, and ends up telling the 'story he'd made up' of a certain mass murderer. Just for constructive criticism, of course.


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Death Note.

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It was only a few days since Near had returned from Japan, and the buzz in the orphanage that had stirred up at his arrival was already beginning to calm down somewhat. This was a relief for the albino, who hadn't particularly appreciated being flocked or gawked at by the orphanage's newer recruits and had taken to mostly hiding up in the new living space Roger had designated to him. The younger ones had asked – and some even _begged_ – to hear him recount details about the Kira case. But whether out of professionalism or a need to distance himself from a case he'd worked on for six years, he'd refused the eager requests, much to the children's disappointment.

Quietly, Near stacked the dice on top of one another. He didn't have a roommate anymore, a fact that he was thankful to Roger for; he'd always found it rather irritating whenever someone toppled over anything of his.

He glanced at the clock as he placed another dice on the steadily growing tower. It was early in the afternoon, and despite himself, his nerves were starting to get to him. It had been three days. Three days since he had come back to Wammy's Orphanage to discover that his last remaining relative was visiting the area. Near had been quick to leave her a message to visit him, but three days had passed and she had failed to drop by at all, which was … very unlike her. The first day of useless waiting had been fine; the second day, worry had begun to gnaw at the back of his mind; and on the third day, he had begun compiling a list of possible incidents that could have happened to her since they'd last met – which was months ago, before Near had even left for Japan. Anything could have happened since then. _Anything._ And now, on the fourth day, to keep himself from climbing the walls – something he was sure Roger wouldn't appreciate – he had begun the base of what would become a tower of dice. (He planned to model its basic shape after the building he had used in Japan. A simple enough design for a near-frantic mind.)

It was a rhythm now, if a rather odd one. Place a dice; _she's fine_; place a dice; _she's fine_; place a dice; _SHE'S FINE!_

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he found a small humor in noting that he was panicking at all when, logically, there really wasn't any reason to. They may have been related and close friends, but there really wasn't much of anything connecting them at this point – Near had made sure of that when he'd first taken on the Kira investigation – unless one took the time to closely examine their family tree.

The thought didn't help his nerves any, though.

There was a gentle knock on the door.

"Come in."

There was click of a doorknob, a bit of rustling – probably as it was swung open, then closed – another click, and then just breathing.

Near kept building the tower. He pretends not to hear the soft 'hello' the visitor whispers behind him. _He knows it's childish, but he doesn't care because whydidshetakesolongtodropby?_

"Where'd you get all that dice?" The feminine voice completely broke through the silence, curious and a touch wry.

Near absorbed the familiar question. He still hadn't turned around to face her, but even then, he could imagine her standing by his close doorway, eyeing the growing dice pile. "Quillish or Roger always used to buy a few more packs for me whenever I needed more."

"Honestly … between Mello's chocolate addiction and your toys, I'm surprised to hear you two haven't bled Wammy's house dry over the years." Near stills for a moment, hand in midair about to place another dice on the structure. _Mello_. But then, the moment passes and he resumes his movements. "Orphanages aren't usually so well-funded."

Silence settled in once again like a blanket. And despite himself, Near could feel his muscles begin to unwind. Unlike the silence with most others, this quiet wasn't uncomfortable. On the contrary, it was … companionable. He could feel her eyes on him – or, rather, what he was doing.

Soon, he heard her softly pad towards him – she must have left her shoes by his door to be able to walk like that – and kneel beside him.

"Want some help?"

He tilted his head towards her voice as he kept on with his work. "You know you don't have to ask."

"Yeah, I know." He glanced towards her as she took a more comfortable seating position beside him and began picking up dice to place them slowly, carefully, on top of the ones he'd already placed. He almost sighed; she would probably ruin the outlining structure he'd had in mind.

It was an odd paradox, really; constructing these sorts of things with her was always somehow more fulfilling without becoming what he had originally planned it to be – which also always left him feeling just a little bit dissatisfied with their finished product.

"So I heard you won your first case. You must be happy."

"I solved a particularly difficult puzzle." He could have sworn he saw a ghost of a smile on her lips as he spoke. "…And you weren't supposed to find out that I was on a case."

"Everything is always a puzzle for you, isn't it?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"That's because you didn't actually ask one," she pointed out, dark eyes trained on the tower. Near could _definitely_ see the ends of her lips twitching upwards.

"You know what I mean. And you still haven't answered."

"What?"

Near was tempted to grimace at her … or growl, but decided against it; he wasn't giving her a golden opportunity to change the subject. And glaring at her always resulted with her playfully poking at his side.

Sometimes, he didn't quite understand why he was still in contact with her.

"How did you know about the case?" He managed to speak the words evenly.

"Hmm … I'm not going to say," she decided as she piled dice.

"_Why not?_"

"Because it doesn't matter how I found out," she replied calmly.

"It does because you're not supposed to know."

"Nate." Near rolled his eyes at hearing his given name in such a mock-patronizing voice.

"Alice," he mimicked, petulantly dropping down a dice to its designated place on the tower with a loud _clack_. The action almost knocks the entire thing down.

Almost.

Near suddenly turns to fully face Alice, and she jumps slightly. "Why did you take so long to visit?" The question slips from him, sharper and more accusing than he'd meant it to be.

"I-I had some stuff to take care of before I made any personal visits. And besides, I figured you would appreciate the alone time to adjust to being back in England."

Near is slightly taken aback at her explanation. His earlier irritation vanishes, and rushing to its place was a weary sort of amused relief that he couldn't really explain to himself.

"…Does this mean you don't want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"The case, dummy." One of Alice's fists punched his shoulder lightly. "I'm really curious about it, but we don't have to talk about that sort of thing if you don't want to."

He became quiet again. But then, she didn't exactly expect an answer right away. She was his oldest friend, and – though she really didn't want to think of it – probably his only friend. He thought carefully about the things he said, and frequent pauses in conversation were to be expected. She didn't mind it, though, and to be honest, it let her focus on not accidentally knocking the dice tower down as she continued stacking the pieces.

Near stared at the dice in his hand for a moment. He hadn't told any of the others even when they'd begged … but this was Alice. They didn't like keeping important things from each other. And it wasn't as if he didn't think she could keep the truth about the investigation a secret – although it was true that he shouldn't really be talking about his cases outside of work (but that wasn't really a good excuse since he'd never really been one for rules anyway). But would she believe everything he said? He knew he wouldn't, if he hadn't been a part of the investigation itself.

"How about I tell you a story instead?" he queried. "One I thought of while I was in Japan."

She considered it for a moment, absentmindedly rolling a dice between her fingers as she did – a habit Near knew she had gotten from him. "Alright," she finally replied.

"Once upon a time, there was a shinigami–"

"What's that?"

"What?" Near asked, a bit startled at the sudden interruption.

"What's a shinigami?"

"…A death god."

"Oh, your story sounds like it's going to be scary." Alice brought a finger to her lips, her eyes thoughtful but her voice playful.

"Can I continue?" His voice sounded slightly put-out by the interruption.

"Of course," Alice responded with a slight wave of her hand as her other one stacked yet another dice on the tower.

"Once upon a time, there was a shinigami who was so bored that he left his realm to find some entertainment on Earth." And so, Near told her of the case without telling her what he was actually recounting. Most of the names had no need to be changed; Alice wasn't really one to keep up with the news so it was unlikely that she would know a lot about the taskforce or the SPK, but she would at least know about Kira. And Near definitely couldn't use his name in the story, either. All in all, a few quick name changes had had to been done through the storytelling, but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle.

During the telling of the 'tale', Alice had stopped piling dice. Instead, she'd curled up against the nearby wall to watch him as he spoke while he continued building the dice tower. Listening intently. And when he was finished, closing the 'story' off with Light's mysterious heart attack, there was silence save for the ever-constant ticking of the clock.

"What a sad story," she finally said, her voice marveling over the tale of a mass-murderer. "And so complex. You came up with this on your own?"

"I had some inspiration."

"I see."

"I want to ask you some things." Near had no idea if he was going to regret this or not, but there were some aspects of the case he didn't quite understand. Or, rather, it wasn't that he didn't _understand,_ but that he couldn't quite grasp the reasoning of some of the people involved in the six-year investigation. Maybe Alice could help him with that.

"Why?" Her eyes carefully followed him has he abandoned the unfinished dice tower to sit beside her against the wall.

Why did she need to ask that question? "I said _I_ wanted to ask some things."

Alice blinked at him, before smiling, and then laughing. "Alright, what did you want to ask?"

"I wanted to … flesh out some of the characters, and understand what impression an audience might have of Light Yagami."

"The killer, Light Yagami?"

"Yes." Who else?

Alice paused to organize her thoughts. Finally, she said, "Most of the story is told through the successor's point of view, N. However, in parts where he didn't participate – the entire first half of the story, in fact – everything was told vaguely. There might be some merit to exploring L's and Light's time together more, if you want others to have an exact opinion of him."

Near almost scowled; he couldn't help that he didn't know too much about the time when L was investigating Kira. He definitely cursed Light for deleting all of L's information on the case, forcing Near and his team to basically work their way from the ground up. And even what little they'd managed to work out from the two's time together felt unsatisfactory. "Yes, but what about Light Yagami himself?" It was a tall order, certainly, for him to expect anything new regarding the case in this conversation. Between the two of them, he was the genius, and even _he_ didn't completely understand how Kira could do all of the things he did. At least, in such a way that he was able to best L.

Alice leaned her head back on the wall. "I think … I believe that Light Yagami was telling the truth about his actions during the warehouse scene."

"Why?"

"Well, he was basically caught by that time. He probably understood that lying wouldn't do him any good at that point. Instead, I think he would be desperately trying to make the others see his point of view – he was also furious, and people tend to speak more honestly when they're angry. So I would think that he was telling the truth." She closed her eyes. "You know, if it wasn't for the Death Note, he would have been a great detective. Maybe even on par with the famed L."

"Of course he was on par with L. He _beat_ L."

"And it wasn't quite explained just _how_ he did that." Alice's eyes flashed open and latched on to him with a very pointed, almost accusing, look. "You're very vague about a lot of the parts of the story."

Near only shrugged, unremorseful, his eyes trained on a dice he'd taken from the pile on the floor.

Alice sighed. Near was asking for something she couldn't do very accurately right now. Not with the current lack of information. Oh well, she'd try anyway, if only to humor her quirky friend. "Well, since it's just a story, may I take a few creative liberties?"

"I guess so," Near answered reluctantly. _She might as well, anyway_…

"Why don't you put a sort of 'fallen hero' image on Light to make him feel more … human?"

"What do you mean by 'fallen hero'?" Light was the villain. He'd always been the villain.

"Well, the couple of deaths were petty criminals, nothing of the caliber Light was aiming for around the time people started to question what was happening. Say he was experimenting with the Death Note at that time, to see if it really worked. I wouldn't even blame him if he didn't expect it to; killing someone with nothing more than a pen and notebook is a bit too far-fetched for anyone to simply believe without question. But then they _did_ die, and suddenly he had figurative blood on his hands. _He had killed_." _Of course, if he had been a normal person, he wouldn't have written in it in the first place…_

"I don't see how that could have made him into a mass murderer," Near muttered, twirling a lock of his hair. "Shouldn't he have turned himself in to the police, then? After all, his belief in justice was one of his defining features."

Alice raised an eyebrow slightly. "And what would he say to the police, to his father, the chief? That he had killed people by writing their names down? He'd be lucky if he wasn't committed to an asylum instead! And also, you're forgetting something very important."

"And what's that?" He just couldn't keep the wry tone out of his voice.

"Light is seventeen when this happens. He's impulsive, smart and confident, but above all, he's extremely idealistic without any actual world experience or wisdom to ground his train of thought. It would be very easy for him to think 'those guys are evil anyway, so killing them is okay' to make himself feel better. And ... you mentioned him having a god complex, didn't you?"

"Yes," Near replied when he realized she was waiting for him to respond.

"I really doubt that he already had it fully developed at the beginning. Still, he probably had the seeds of it in his heart; he knew he was smart, and most likely knew himself far above his peers, and perhaps even think that since it was him, and since those men were 'evil', then the murders weren't just fine, they were completely justified – maybe even _needed_."

Near couldn't help but feel a little skeptical at her reasoning. "But why start killing at such a grand scale?"

"Because he's a detached genius with a skewed personality … no offense."

"None had been taken until now…"

"Well, jokes aside, don't you see it? The logic that would push him to kill like that?"

"If I did, would I be asking?" Near groused. Couldn't Alice just say the answer and be done with it? "And I still don't see how this theory of yours could cast Light as some sort of fallen hero."

Deep in thought, she ignored him. "Light has the kind of genius that demands consistency. What goes up must come down. He's young and idealistic – maybe a little disillusioned? – been handed a notebook that assures death, and on top of that, he's managed to reason that murder is perhaps even necessary. Since the elimination of those petty criminals were needed to bring a small amount of peace, then what about the world's _worst_ criminals? Wouldn't it be even more important, even more _necessary_, to get rid of _them_? And so the killing spree begins."

" 'What goes up must come down'?" Near questioned amusedly.

"It was the only thing I could think of," Alice defended. "Of course, thinking all that is one thing, but to actually believe it enough to kill for six years straight is something else entirely. It requires a certain … naivety that I'm not so sure is possible nowadays."

"He must have convinced himself quite well, then."

"Must've been irritatingly self-righteous, too, if that's the case. From what you told me, he seems to think that he's never wrong about anything. Still, to do all that, he must have also been emotionally and mentally strong; ideals are one thing, but to actually carrying them out – and to such an extreme – is another." Alice's eyes slid onto her hands, darkening as she added, "Strong, smart and handsome, Light was born to be the hero. But the moment he wrote in the Death Note – no, the moment he decided to 'rid the world of evil' and become a false god – he fell from his lofty perch and became the villain."

Alice had always been dramatic.

Near leaned back on the wall. He'd already thought of this – well, most of it, anyway; he hadn't once thought of pinning Light as a hero in any sort of way, fallen or not – already knew about Kira's strengths and weaknesses. He had to; he'd been leading the case. But he'd let Alice wonder; he'd already gotten her thinking, so he might as well hear her out, even if it was mostly about things he already knew. And besides, it had been such a long time since he'd been able to have such a long conversation with her, let alone about something like this. He was curious to see how much of Alice's thoughts matched his … and how much of it didn't. "Regardless, no matter what noble intentions he might have had in the beginning, in the end, Light Yagami was nothing more than a mass murderer who got extremely lucky. Having been born in such a loving family, given the best his parents could provide, and then as a killer, he'd managed to garner devoted followers like Amane, Takada, and Mikami." The shinigami were also a factor in Light's win against L, Near was sure. He just couldn't truly fathom _how_–

"It's sad, though," Alice mused, her voice distant but still breaking into his thoughts.

_Didn't she say that already…? _"What is?"

"Light Yagami could have been great. And he was, I guess, although it was in a way no one probably ever imagined." Alice let out a long breath, eyes distant. "Terrible but great. And if I was to fathom another guess, I might theorize that something in or of the Death Note instinctively drives its users mad – at least, in a way that would ensure that it was used." Her eyes focused on Near unsettlingly. "Or maybe I only think that because of the terrible coincidence that in your story, all of the people to get a Death Note inevitably become mass murderers."

It was an interesting thought, one Near had also dabbled with for a small while on the plane ride back to England. "Perhaps the Death Note especially attracts the attentions of people who would put it to use." _Mikami certainly had a few screws loose already before he got the Death Note – and then his mental state degraded in private afterwards._

Or maybe suicide by pen-stabbing was a reasonable reaction to finding out that his 'god' had only ever been a manipulative human.

But what would he know about that sort of thing? Near hadn't even known a person could bleed out like that.

_But Takada had used the Death Note, and she _seemed_ sane, which certainly poked a hole in the theory…_

"In the end," Alice said, eyes staring emptily at the empty space in front of her, and Near doubted she even remembered he was there. "I think I'd count Light as one of the victims of the Death note … and hold Ryuk accountable for all of the deaths."

"An interesting perspective," Near murmured, just loud enough so she could hear it.

"If Ryuk hadn't been such a … I really don't know what to call him. But if Ryuk hadn't gone to the human world, then Light would never have become a mass murderer – he might have been one of the best detectives in his area, although whether he would have been truly satisfied with that is something I find questionable." Deep in thought, Alice put a finger to her lips and bit it lightly, an old habit of hers. "To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he even ended up seeking out L – or the other way around – at some time or another anyway; I think those two were meant to meet. But because of circumstances, they did so as enemies, with Light progressively becoming more and more twisted as time went on. From what you said, it sounds like he more or less came to see everyone else as collateral damage. Amane, Takada, Mikami, even his family and police team … they were all manipulated by Light, Light was manipulated by the twisted nature the very presence the Death Note cultivated within him … and the shinigamis just sat back to watch to their hearts content like it was all some sort of sick play."

"So you blame the shinigamis."

Alice glanced at him, slightly startled. "No, I-I guess not," she said with a shake of her head. At Near's arresting stare – she liked to imagine that he felt incredulous or even a bit confused – she added, "At least, they weren't _entirely_ to blame."

"…Explain."

"Well, while it's true that Ryuk set the stage for everything to happen, no one _had_ to do what they did. Light didn't _have_ to write in the Death Note, just like Amane didn't _have_ to follow Light's every order. Everyone made their own decisions, so in a way, they're all responsible for what happened because of those decisions. Even if they meant well."

"You have a harsher point of view than most," Near observed.

Alice only shrugged. And as Near kept looking at her, he remembered something. Something that had nagged at him for a while in the back of his mind before he was finally able to will the thought away. How to word it, though…? He swallowed, his throat suddenly a bit dryer than it should be.

Even if many of the events of the Kira case remained a mystery to him, he understood almost everyone involved, personality-wise. Aizawa, Matsuda, Souichiro Yagami, and the rest, he had them all down-pat (though he was sure no one would ever be able to fully understand L). But there was something he couldn't really decide with two particular people…

"Do you think Amane and Takada really loved Light?"

Alice turned to Near, an expression of bemusement decorating her face. "As it's your story, I'm sure you know the answer to that better than I do."

Near took his time with his words; one wrong move, and the conversation topic could very well devolve into something _very_ uncomfortable. "And as the author, I'm curious as to what your impression of their feelings is."

"Oh, I see." Near released a relieved breath as Alice accepted the explanation. "Amane? Hmm … no, I don't think she did. Takada might have, though."

"Why would you say that?"

Alice glanced back at him, choosing her words carefully; she wasn't as good with people and emotions as Near sometimes seemed to believe. Especially not in the love department. Still, she probably knew more than he did – or, at least, that's what she used to think until now; the emotional complexity of his story had taken her by surprise. "Amane was … grateful to Kira for killing her family's murderer, which is completely natural. But seeing how much she clung to Light once she found him, she probably didn't have much else anchoring her in her life after her parents were gone. This made her very vulnerable and alone … maybe even a little depressed. To be honest, I think one of the most endearing things she found in Light was his seeming perfection and the normality, or maybe the stability, it implied. In her turbulent and unstable personality – modeling can also be a stressful job, I've heard – I think she craved that most of all. And the fact that he was also Kira was probably a huge plus for her in her mind."

"So you think she loved the idea of Light rather than who he actually was," Near stated. Why did she have to use so many words for one simple opinion? But then, wasn't this what he was basically asking for…?

"Yes. Amane wasn't a stupid person – at least, not completely. She simply chose not to see what was in front of her."

"I see…"

"But I'm not really sure about Takada – there wasn't really a lot of back-story on her character, and she died pretty quickly, too. Still…" Did he _really _expect her to give him a full character analysis on the first try? What was he expecting, anyway? "Light put more of an effort into keeping Takada working for him – just until the end, though, when she was in the van. Up to that point, he was very convincing in the act he put up around her. And taking into account the fact that she adored Kira as well, I'm not surprised that she was swayed so easily by Light. Although," Alice admitted ruefully, "I almost can't believe she still killed for him even while she was in the truck; if it were me being rejected help after I'd begged him in tears, I probably would have disregarded any order he had for me. Or worse."

"To be fair, I think she thought he'd come help her afterwards," Near pointed out. "He never flat-out rejected her pleas out loud. He just … wrote her name in his Death Note scrap when he was sure she'd done what he'd asked."

"What a manipulative jerk."

"I think he passed that already when he started killing people."

"Yeah. Well. Anyway… maybe Takada really did love him for himself and not just his power as Kira or his 'perfection'; maybe they both did. Does it really matter, though? In the end, he didn't love – or really care about – either of them." Alice looked at Near curiously. "But what I'd like to know is how you were even able to think of such a story. I mean – notebooks? Who thinks of killing people through _notebooks_?"

He gave her a self-deprecating smirk. "Like I said – it was an inspired piece."

"You're impossible," Alice said lightly as she shook her head, smiling. She turned her attention to the large window that ate up one of the walls, the last dredges of the day's light spilling through it onto the floor. "It's getting late."

Near followed her gaze. The sky outside looked like a painting. "Will you leave soon?"

"Soon, but not right now."

There was the silence again, and Near found himself wishing that time would stretch and they could stay in this room forever, with the half-finished dice tower in this amiable quiet. Dusk would stay outside the window for the rest of eternity, its sky streaked with hues of blues, pinks and oranges.

He couldn't do that of course, he knew that well enough, but for just one moment, he wanted so badly for everything to just _stop_. It was a pathetic feeling to have, but it was there, and it was strong.

"I'll be in town until the end of the week. I … can visit tomorrow, if you'd like," she said hesitantly.

"I would, very much."

"Don't you have jet lag, though? It usually takes people about a week to adjust."

_She was still worried about that?_ "I recover quickly."

She laughed. He grinned. And suddenly, Near was Nate, and they weren't in their late teens. No, right now, they were two children who'd been apart for a bit too long. Kira, the Death Note, and shinigami didn't exist. Just the two of them in his roomful of toys.

"Come on, let's try finishing this up before I go," Alice said, nodding to the abandoned dice tower.

"That's impossible … but we can try."

Hours later, when she was gone and he was alone again, Near threw a glance at the suitcase on the desk containing the case files. A lot of the things Alice had said were ideas he'd already come up with. Theories he'd already played around. But even if she wasn't able to shed a lot more light on the case – which, he had to admit to himself, was actually pointless considering that it was already closed – she had shared quite a … _different_ perspective. Especially on the parts of Takada and Amane.

But he found much to his own surprise that it didn't really matter.

"Kira as a victim?" _Interesting … she'd even tried to spin him off as some sort of tragic hero…_

It was just the cherry on top to a perfect afternoon with his half sister.

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**Author's Note****:** A salute to you, dear reader(s), for reaching the end of this epically boring fic. I fully acknowledge that by writing and posting this, I'm probably inviting in the hate and flames of certain fans of the series. And that I know that most of what I wrote has probably already been said at one point or another in other places. I apologize for any grammar or writing mistakes that probably exist in the fic. I'm also sorry if Near seemed a bit _too_ out of character.


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